Friday, August 10, 2007

High Maintenance Ass-Clown

I entered "Venti Iced Tea, Black, Unsweetened, No Water" into The All-Knowing Oracle of Starbucks.

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: High Maintenance

You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.
Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars

Wow. For my usual morning order, "Venti Mild," I got:

Personality type: Ass-clown

You tell people that you're an executive at your company. You think that your repeated references to being "addicted" to caffeine make you seem intriguing and dangerous. People think you're a sucker because you spend 60% of your annual income at Starbucks. Everyone who drinks Venti Mild ends up addicted to crack.

Also drinks: Zima
Can also be found at: Karaoke bars

3 comments:

Michael said...

When I entered my new favorite, Orange Passion Iced Tea, I got "high maintenance," but when I entered grande Americano, I got "Asshat," one of my favorite words of all time:

"You hang out in coffee shops because you don't have a job because you got your degree in French Poetry. People who drink grande americano are notorious for spouting off angry, liberal opinions about issues they don't understand."

JoVE said...

I'm just a freak:

No person of sound mind would go to an EXPENSIVE COFFEE SHOP to get a drink WITHOUT CAFFEINE. Your hobbies include going to ski resorts in the summer and flushing $5 bills down the toilet. You are a menace to society.

Also drinks: Non-alcoholic beer
Can also be found at: Pools with no water

This is funny but way off the mark. While I drink half-decaf coffee (I bet it just saw decaf for that and doesn't understand half), I would NEVER drink non-alcoholic beer.

FiberQat said...

When I put in "Black Coffee Large" it came up Lame. Apparently I'm a Neanderthal that didn't make the cut for Caveman.