Improvements

I was apprehensive about the the voice placement audition, but I appeared relaxed and I did fine. My new range is A2 to D#4, which means I'm a Baritone now. Not surprising: Second Tenor was getting uncomfortable even twenty-five years ago. The "Welcome" email informed me I was a Lower Baritone, but the roster and my name badge say I'm an Upper. (There's probably a top/bottom joke in there that has already been made a thousand times in gay men's chorus settings.)

 A–– texted me: "A little singing and the voice will be as strong as ever, Promise. The muscles need building but the instincts are still top notch." That meant so much, and helped me press on through the social anxiety of interacting with strangers. And it seems A–– was right: I've been singing for less than a month–only two weekly rehearsals plus a bit of practice at home, and I already notice improvement. The other day, I randomly sang a snatch of some commercial jingle, and my tone was solid, not scratched and wavering like it has been. It's good to think a tune and have the notes more reliably come out of my mouth.

The winter storm cancelled the third rehearsal in January, but there are rehearsal tracks to download, and practiced with those yesterday. I surprised myself in a couple places where I was steadier on some tricky pitches and rhythms than the ensemble who recorded the tracks. So yeah: I still have skills.

"Rehearsal tracks to download." I have to talk about the tech changes since I dropped music as a hobby. Of course there's a web platform now to manage chorus membership, communications, calendars, music distribution, etc. Our sheet music is on PDF; nearly everyone uses tablets. They printed music for new members, and even though I bought myself a Pixel Tablet, I've continued to sing from the printed sheets. 

In addition to the tablet, I bought a USI2.0 stylus so I can take notes, and a piano. No, not a real piano; a digital one: Yamaha P-143BTB. For about a year, I'd been thinking it would be fun to get a digital piano and start practicing with the lesson books I used when I was a kid. (I found them on Internet Archive.) It's not top of the line, but it has 88 keys and an acceptable sound. I found room for it in the basement, on top of my grandmother's antique post office desk.

So every couple days I spend about an hour in the basement, perched on a box on a chair, slowly pursuing the musicality of my youth.

Reclaiming My Voice

 I met A–– when we were teenagers, singing in the state fair youth choir. He went on to have an admirable career in music, and currently heads the music department at a prestigious private school. I don't see him often, but when I do, he wants to sing together, and I usually put him off. "I've lost my voice," I say, or claim (truthfully) that sporadic sinus/ear problems cause me to hear sounds at dissonant pitches rendering me tone deaf. But a month ago, he and his husband were visiting Ohio, and I agreed to sing carols at the hotel's piano.

I'm not just out of practice; I really have lost my voice. My voice is thin, and my breath control is shot. I don't have the top third of my old range. I don't know what correct pitches "feel like" in the range I have left. I've lost the habit of good technique, and it was embarrassing to squeak out notes alongside my professional-voice-coach friend with his beautiful, richly resonant voice.

I knew I wasn't a musician anymore. I was never great, but I had talent and got by, never putting in the practice to get better once I left school. And although I was a little wistful about that, I didn't really mind. In a real sense, knitting had replaced music as my defining hobby. I'm a better knitter than I ever was a musician, if that makes any sense.

A–– always believed I was a better singer than I thought I was, and though he was too kind to say, I expect he's disappointed in me, leaving what talent I had to wither from neglect. And singing with A––, I realized I too am disappointed in me. I resolved to make an effort to strengthen what's left of my singing voice.

The next week, I looked up when Columbus Gay Men's Chorus would hold voice placement auditions, and I made an appointment.